hey stripes fans, the season is resuming after a strange, week-long hiatus. what they've decided to do is take the games that got bumped from last week, and put them on the end of the season. this means we're finally getting our chance to play the jr. rebels, the only other team in our way, the only other undefeated, 7-0 team. we really need to show them who's boss, and we'd love your support in doing so! we're playing them at twin creeks at 9pm, on field 3. if you can come out to support us, please do!! we'd love to see you out there, and hear you cheer for us. you have no idea how much it helps to have your support!!! :)

i just got schooled, and rightly so. i am a HUGE asshole, and it amazes me that anyone has any respect for me at all. lesson learned, i hope. thank you. i deserve it.

i took a long, hard, honest look in the mirror, and i did not like what i saw. i've been living a half-truth for a long time, convincing myself that the status quo was a-ok, that nothing was wrong, and that there was nothing to fix. i was gravely mistaken. i didn't know how unhappy i actually was. upon learning this, and actually owning it and letting it sink in, i felt things i didn't think i could feel. i thought things i never thought i could ever think, and began to doubt things i thought impossible to ever, ever, ever doubt. my world was turned completely on it's head, i had nothing to hold on to, and i sunk to a place i didn't know existed. i panicked. HARD. i didn't know what to do, what to think, what to say. i didn't know what was real and what wasn't. i made rash decisions, tho i only regret one; you were right, 'indefinitely' was too harsh a word. that shall be rectified. i'd forgotten how much can happen in such a small amount of time. once i got a tenuous grasp on reality again, i began talking. there was lots and lots and looooooooots of talking. most of it broken and completely incoherent, but at least it was talking. suddenly it was coherent. problems were identified. issues came to light. better yet, solutions arose, and plans of attack were formulated. there's a path again. it's a different path, but it's a clearer one. thing's are not perfect. i'm still not exactly sure what's right and what's not, but an honest effort is now being made to discover the truth, instead of being content living a half-truth. i can breathe again. i like breathing.

i want to thank everyone who reached out to us for support. i can only speak for myself when i say that, while the offers were appreciated, i knew talking to anyone else would only exacerbate the problem exponentially. the wagons needed to be circled, and no one else needed to be involved. this is something i eluded to in an earlier post, but i'm learning that not everyone needs to be involved all the time. my life doesn't need to be an open book. there really are some things that just aren't anyone else's business. who knew?

i think there's actually forward momentum in my life again. i'm not just treading water anymore. i'm swimming. i'd forgotten how, or how much i enjoyed it. but i'm not gonna swim laps, cuz that's just treading a bigger patch of water. thanx again to everyone who showed love and support. thanx especially to those who showed love and support, and didn't expect a call back. thank you for your understanding.

i don't ever, EVER want to be that scared again. ever. i hope i never will be. i hope...

THIS IS ALL MY OWN FAULT. i deserve no sympathy, and no one else deserves any blame.

i think i'm going crazy. i can't think. i can barely breathe. i'm dizzy. my vision's blurry and shaky. i'm shaking. i want to cry, but i don't have the energy. or the tears. there's this buzzing, ringing thing going in my ears. i'm sick to my stomach, and for once it's not the goddamned ibs. my fingers are kinda numb. there's a great, gaping, jagged chasm in my chest. my head hurts. i don't know what to do. i don't know if there's anything to do. i don't know.

"...but everything's different now, and you changed that, and you can't...change it back..."

four hours of crying

my world is no longer known to me

thoughts and feelings i never knew i had

never admitted i had?

truth is unknown to me

nothing what it seems, no one what they seem

ever

never

so much deception, so many lies, abundance of half-truths

insincere support is the worst thing in the world

is escape the only answer?

one way, no way, another way, before, after, in the middle of

options

no options

four hours of crying

one for every year

i have no idea what comes next

i have no idea what to do now

i have

i am

nothing

left

....


and don't you dare to presume to know anything you think you know. cuz you don't. you. know. nothing. you never did. and now you never, ever will.

since there was no dinner & last nite, i decided to finally go check out the new wednesday karaoke show. it was reeeeally weird to be at koc, while karaoke was going on, and not have bruce in the booth, and to not know a soul there. (well, there were 3 people i've seen on other nights, but none of them are more than acquaintances). they run a pretty fun show, and have a decent selection, but of course, as we all know, it just wasn't bruce. however, it was nice to have people pay attention, and clap, and tell me how good i am. i must've had at least 4 different people independently of each other ask me when i was trying out for american idol. upon learning that i usually have an ongoing engagement on wednesdays and hearing me sing a couple of times, one of the kj's informed under no uncertain terms that i was to cancel my prior wednesday engagement so that i could come to the bar every wednesday. i just laughed. the whole thing was quite good for my ego, and that was nice. i think i'll try to check out one of their friday gigs one of these days.

last nite was a really good nite.

...and i think i will be shortly. ( i hope. )

so i got a follow-up call from the nurse at the doctor's office, to make sure i was feeling alright, to schedule a follow-up appointment with the doctor, and to call in a prescription for me. a few days later, i get another call from the nurse again to tell me the results are in, and there's nothing wrong with my colon at all. we all figured this would be the result, but at least now we know. the prescription is for dicyclomine, because the doctor thinks i'm having some kind of muscle spasms, and these should help. i can take up to three a day, as needed. the list of side-effects is extensive, so since i'm not doing anything today but laundry, i'll be testing them. if i hurt today. which i may, cuz i have left-over mexican food....

i'll post the (presumably)last aftermath update after my follow-up, which won't be until the third week of july. :)